SORRY, CANADA. SERIOUSLY. NEWS-BITS Questioning national policy is one thing. Supporting our troops - and troops from allied nations - is another thing, entirely. When contemplating the clusterfuck that led to the deaths of four soldiers from Princess Patricia's Canadian Light Infantry in Afghanistan on Thursday, what can anyone do but offer heartfelt thanks for a steady ally's unwavering and unconditional support? Perhaps nothing, other than offering the hope that a full and thorough investigation will bring to light whatever needs to be brought to light in this latest of many heart-breaking friendly-fire incidents. Be careful out there, folks. We want you all back home with your families as soon as possible. Sportscasters Marv "Yes!" Albert and Mike "insert trademark catch-phrase here" Fratello were badly injured yesterday when their limousine smashed into a stalled truck on Interstate 295. Both men were bashed and bruised during the high-speed collision, and both were also cut by flying glass. The limo driver broke his hip and sustained head injuries, but will reportedly pull through without too much trouble. When Daily Dirt operatives contacted the notoriously perverse, bite-happy, lingerie-wearing Albert at hospital, he confirmed that this was, indeed, the most intense rear-ending he had ever taken part in... and that's saying something! Roman Polanski, Polish director of such classic films as Chinatown and Rosemary's Baby, will return to America to face the music for having had sex with a 13-year-old girl in Jack Nicholson's hot-tub, way back in the disco-addled year of our Lord 19-and-77. Polanski pled guilty to "having sex with a minor" over two decades ago, but he ran off to France before his sentencing trial, and has remained there, in exile, ever since. "I have no objections to his return to the US," his still-unnamed victim has been quoted as saying. For his part, Polanski claims the girl has nothing to worry about from him anymore, seeing as she is now so monstrously, hideously old. *** *** *** TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, PART II! Batten down the hatches, hunker down in your bunkers, and prepare for the Trial of the Century, Part II, folks, because the Robert Blake media feeding-frenzy is about to begin! The once-and-future Little Rascal was arrested without incident at his Los Angeles home yesterday, as was his bodyguard, Earl Caulfield. At the time of this writing, the connection between the two is not entirely clear, but we can probably safely assume that the arrests have something to do with the shooting death of Blake's wife, Bonny Lee Bakley, almost a year ago. Some Dirt readers may remember how delighted yer old pal Jerky was at the time by Blake's hilarious alibi, which essentially went like: "We left the restaurant. I walked Bonny to the car. I remembered I forgot my gun on the restaurant table. I left Bonny in teh car and went back to retrieve my gun. Upon my return to the car, I discovered Bonny had been shot in the face." Check out the balls on Baretta!!! That's the worst excuse since "The dog ate my car broke down!" Folks, if this little bucket of punk-ass gets off, it'll be the worst miscariage of justice since... um, last Tuesday, probably.

ON THIS DAY April 19 On this day in 1993, the FBI puts their plan to end the standoff at David Koresh's Branch Davidian Compound into action. At 5:59 in the morning, via megaphone, Koresh and his followers are told that they are under arrest, and to come out peacefully. They are also once again warned to stay out of a central tower where the insertion of tear gas is slated to begin. The previous night's reaction to these warnings was to hold children up to the windows, as well as signs that read: "Flames Await". At 6:02, two FBI combat engineering vehicles begin inserting gas into the compound. At 6:04, the Davidians start shooting. At 7:30, a CEV breaches the front side of the building on the first floor, injecting more gas. At 9:30, another CEV begins enlarging the opening in the front of the building, and a third CEV breaches the rear of the building, creating openings from which the FBI hoped cult-members would escape. At seven minutes past noon, the Davidians are seen starting fires throughout the compound. At 12:12, negotiators get on the phone and ask Koresh to lead the Davidians out to safety. Nine Davidians flee the compound, and are arrested without incident. Ten minutes later, the sound of gunfire can be heard coming from the compound. At 12:41, fire-trucks begin pumping water on the now rapidly-burning buildings. By mid-afternoon, it was confirmed… 86 corpses, including over a dozen children, lay dead under the rubble of the compound. After 51 days of begging for it, those members of the Branch Davidian Cult remaining in the compound finally managed to succeed in their bid for collective suicide by cop, making themselves martyrs and heroes to white supremecists, survivalists, religious fundamentalists and other True Believers. In the early morning of 1995, enraged by the conflagration at Waco two years earlier, Timothy McVeigh drives a rented Ryder truck up to the north side of the A.P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City. At 9:02, a huge fuel bomb in the back of the truck detonates, collapsing the north face of the building, and snuffing out the lives of 168 unsuspecting souls, including many children who had just been dropped off at the building's daycare center. Also on this day, in 1999, two more would-be heroes to the disenfranchised and the dispossessed prepare to carve a place for themselves in history the only way they imagine they possibly can. Yer old pal Jerky has often wondered if Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold slept easy the night before they walked into sleepy Littleton's Columbine High School and unleashed a massacre of never-before-seen proportions on their classmates, killing 12 of them, plus a teacher, and ultimately, themselves. Looking at pictures of the two, something tells me their dreams were untroubled, which is cause enough for nightmares.

QUOTES! "I heard something like the engine of a plane dying out, and then I heard a terrible explosion. I certainly thought of the September attacks in the United States. It really looked like the same thing." - Raffaele Taccogna, bartender at a Milan hotel, describes what he experienced of the small passenger plane that crashed into the city's tallest skyscraper - the Pirelli building - on Thursday. Five died and many more were injured in the incident, which is thought to be an accident. *** *** *** "This cat absolutely suffered and the videotape of its torture and ultimate death was one of the most upsetting things I've seen. I am extremely upset that the punishment for Jesse Power and Anthony Wennekers does not equal the severity of this horrific crime." - So declared Amy White, director of communications for the Toronto Humane Society, about a judge's light sentencing for two "performance artists" who skinned a cat alive while creating a vegetarian-themed video project for their Ontario College of Art and Design project. One can only wonder what horrible punishment Ms. White would come up with for these two idiots.

JOKES Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Henry Bent... A young couple took their two-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father." *** *** *** Today's second joke was sent in by our new pal Tneb Yrneh... A big rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing really short shorts. "Say, what's your name, Mister?" she drawled after climbing up into the truck. "It's Snow... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June... June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "I was just imagining what it'd be like having eight inches of Snow in June." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Pepe le Peew. Q: Why gorilas have big nosetrills? A: cause they have big fat fingers

JERKY KNOWS! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hey Jerky, I saw this really hot chick at the mall and I thought I'd try your old "dick in the armpit" routine to see if it worked. I followed her home, climbed through a window and hid in a closet 'till I heard her shower running. I snuck in the bathroom, peeked around the curtain and noticed she was shaving her pits (which made me kind of nervous with the potential for accident) so I made a last-second change of plan. When she bent over to pick up some conditioner I leaned in, stuck my index finger in her asshole and said "Hi, there" in my sexiest deep voice. Instead of being intrigued, she freaked completely the fuck out and wound up calling 911. What's up with that shit? Did I unwittingly get a hold of a dyke? Signed: Confused in Idaho Dear Confused; We here at the Daily Dirt cannot be held accountable for any reactions caused by our patented "dick in the armpit" seduction maneuver, especially if the user chooses to utterly disregard the clear and union-approved instructions for its implementation. Our three step system is flawless: 1. Sneak up behind her. 2. Stick your cock in her armpit. 3. Push her arm against her torso and thrust madly in her tight pit-gina. You got the first part down pretty well, I'll give you that much. But as for parts 2 and 3, you were hopeless. First of all, waiting until she was naked before making your move was a big mistake. The added element of implied vulnerability makes it tricky for you if the authorities get involved. And why would you think sticking a finger up a stranger's ass is the same thing as shoving your cock in a stranger's armpit? And who told you to say anything? "Hi there"? You might as well have called 911 on yourself! Alright, enough of the spanking. For a first-timer, you actually didn't do half bad. Yu'll gettum nextime, Tiger! Cheers, YOPJ

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. Today’s Topic: THE POWERS THAT BE The thing that makes me sad for this country is that their are alot of people like John in America [see yesterday's Soapbox - Jerky]. It seems, even if people are educated, most of them like to stick their head in the sand and just believe the official version of what they are told. I think it is easier for people like John to live in this un-real reality. I have many friends that follow this insane and destructive line of thinking, many of them hold high positions in corporate America or will in the future. They get very agitated from anyone proposing that others in our own country had much more motive and more to gain from such a national catastrophe. Much like John. People do not want to belive that their own government would hurt them. I am sure the people that orchestrated this national tragedy justified their actions by saying to themselves that killing a few of or own actually saved the lives of countless future Americans. Kinda like that movie Outbreak. Plus, we cannot forget about 75 cent gasoline and what that means to our economic long term prosperity. I should clarify that I mean the economic prosperity of the corporations that really run this country. When was the last time you gave $100,000 to the RNC or DNC? Money is the key, and if you ain't got none, you pretty much get a big fuck you from the people and institutions in power, and that is what happened on 911. "They" just took it to the logical next step to attain "Their" goals, which are the domination of the worlds resources for profit, population control and world hegemony. Pure and not so simple. I just hope that I am not a homeless old man in the future with tinfoil on my head to block out the governments mind-control satellite transmissions for writing this. Big Brother, are you reading this? By the way, I actually met that homeless old guy with tinfoil on his head for that very reason. I never discount anything. There is truth in the lies, right? JS Curtis esq. [Thank you, JS, and be sure to make your tinfoil headgear conforms to official AFDB (Aluminium Foil Deflector Beanie) standards. And now, yer old pal Jerky would like to notify you all of a change in Soapbox procedure. In the three years during which we've been running Reader Soapboxes, we have, except in a few rare instances when specifically asked not to do so, included the author's e-mail address. This was so other Dirt readers who might want to discuss an issue brought up by the author would be able to do so directly, rather than having to go through the Daily Dirt. In recent weeks, however, it has come to our attention that a growing minority of participants are becoming uncomfortable with having their e-mail address included in the Dirt. In the past, we have only withheld contributor e-mail addresses when specifically asked to do so. From this moment on, our policy has changed. We will now only include the contributor's e-mail addresses, if and when he or she specifically asks us to do so. So if you want feedback from other Daily Dirt readers, be sure to let us know ahead of time to include your e-mail address. Otherwise, your editorial will be left "unsigned." Thanks for your time and attention, Y.O.P. Jerky]

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