WHAT THEY WERE SAYING THEN In the days and weeks following the "Fall of Baghdad" in April, 2003, news-watchers and truth-seekers were subjected to a historically unprecedented avalanche of official gloating, courtesy of the Usual Suspects who vomited up so much fact-free, hyper-jingoistic drool that the few remaining voices still daring to utter common sense truth were left drowning like kittens in a potato sack. The comments gathered below represent but a tiny sampling of the fact-free hogwash crammed down America's collective throats by the Propaganda Whores and Useful Idiots of the Conservative Media Machine during that brief, shining moment when it almost seemed as though The Powers That Be would be able to weasel out of being held accountable for lying the nation into a businessman's war of first resort, if only because of the speed and finality of the victory. Three years on, hindsight exposes said victory as an illusion, and the gloaters as a bunch of fucking morons. This is a simple reminder of just how wrong the propagandists were, and how catastrophically correct the rest of us turned out to be. - YOPJ *** **** *** "This will be no war -- there will be a fairly brief and ruthless military intervention.... The president will give an order. [The attack] will be rapid, accurate and dazzling.... It will be greeted by the majority of the Iraqi people as an emancipation. And I say, bring it on." - The always pickled Christopher Hitchens, a mere month prior to the invasion proper, leads the cheer, thus setting the stage for the eye-popping performances of blabbermouths to come. *** **** *** "Tommy Franks and the coalition forces have demonstrated the old axiom that boldness on the battlefield produces swift and relatively bloodless victory. The three-week swing through Iraq has utterly shattered skeptics' complaints." - Tony "Snowjob" Snow, in comentary for Fox News, 4/13/03. No wonder they just made this guy the new White House Press Secretary. *** **** *** "The only people who think this wasn't a victory are Upper Westside liberals, and a few people here in Washington." - Posh neoconservative cripple Charles "Wheelie" Krauthammer waxes "populistic" on Inside Washington, WUSA-TV, 4/19/03. *** **** *** "The war winds down, politics heats up... Picture perfect. Part Spider-Man, part Tom Cruise, part Ronald Reagan. The president seizes the moment on an aircraft carrier in the Pacific." - The awful Gwen Ifill, of the allegedly liberal PBS, drools all over Preznit Dubya's codpiece after his now-infamous Mission Accomplished speech, 5/2/03. *** **** *** "We're proud of our president. Americans love having a guy as president, a guy who has a little swagger, who's physical, who's not a complicated guy like Clinton or even like Dukakis or Mondale, all those guys, McGovern. They want a guy who's president. Women like a guy who's president. Check it out. The women like this war. I think we like having a hero as our president. It's simple. We're not like the Brits. ... We're all neo-cons now." - MSNBC's unmitigatedly awful ass-muppet Chris Matthews spewing idiocy (as usual) on his Hardball show. *** **** *** "It is amazing how thorough the victory in Iraq really was in the broadest context... And the silence, I think, is that it's clear that nobody can do anything about it. There isn't anybody who can stop him. The Democrats can't oppose -- cannot oppose him politically." - Washington Post reporter Jeff Birnbaum being a little premature on the Fox News Channel, 5/2/03. *** **** *** "I'm waiting to hear the words 'I was wrong' from some of the world's most elite journalists, politicians and Hollywood types... I just wonder, who's going to be the first elitist to show the character to say: 'Hey, America, guess what? I was wrong'? Maybe the White House will get an apology, first, from the New York Times' Maureen Dowd. Now, Ms. Dowd mocked the morality of this war... Maybe, just maybe, these self-anointed critics will learn from their mistakes. But I doubt it. After all, we don't call them 'elitists' for nothing." - Former Congresscritter (and quite possibly murderer) Joe Scarborough spews talking points like blood gouting from a slashed jugular vein on his MSNBC TV show, Scarborough Country, 4/10/03. *** **** *** "Over the next couple of weeks when we find the chemical weapons this guy was amassing, the fact that this war was attacked by the left and so the right was so vindicated, I think, really means that the left is going to have to hang its head for three or four more years." - Toe-sucking whore-mongering turncoat political advisor Dick Morris performs punditry-for-profit on Fox News (where else?!), 4/9/03. *** **** *** "To hope for defeat meant cheering for Saddam Hussein. To hope for victory meant cheering for President Bush. The toppling of Mr. Hussein, or at least a statue of him, has made their arguments even harder to defend. Liberal writers for ideologically driven magazines like The Nation and for less overtly political ones like The New Yorker did not predict a defeat, but the terrible consequences many warned of have not happened. Now liberal commentators must address the victory at hand and confront an ascendant conservative juggernaut that asserts United States might can set the world right." - David Carr, reporter for the allegedly liberal -- downright communist even! -- New York Times, plays against type on 4/16/03. *** **** *** For more incredible quotes from right wing morons from the lead-up, during the heat of, and in the aftermath of the invasion of Iraq, check out this compliation by Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting (FAIR), never to be confused with the bought-and-paid-for conservative movement whore machine Accuracy In Media (AIM). Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 28 On this day in the year 1914, W. H. Carrier patents the air conditioner, a machine that makes it possible for people to move south of the Mason-Dixon line without having to worry about losing their minds from the sticky, disgusting heat. Unfortunately, for the people who were born there, it's too little, too late. On this day in 1945, fascist Italian dictator Benito Mussolini and his mistress are shot dead by Italian partisans. Their bloating, fly-blown corpses are left hanging upside-down from the rafters above a gas station for days. The old ladies of Milan were all impressed by the fact that Il Duce's corpse remained suspended, even after that of his mistress had fallen upon succumbing to a gruesome combination of gravity and decay. By comparison, the old ladies agreed that Mussolini was very well hung, indeed. On this day in 1789, the crew of the HMS Bounty famously mutinies in the South Pacific. Chief mutineer Fletcher Christian sets Captain William Bligh and 18 sailors adrift before he and his rebel crew return to Tahiti for some hot Polynesian lovin', but that soon sours. They eventually vamoose to Pitcairn Island, where they start a tiny settlement that exists to this very day. April 29 Today is International Dance Day, so no matter where you are, it's time to get up and shake what the Good Lord gave you, my salty little bitches! On this day in 1967, boxer Cassius "Muhammad Ali" Clay is stripped of his heavyweight title after refusing induction into the United States Army, arguing that "no Vietcong ever called me nigger." Yer old pal Jerky thinks that's kind of a self-absorbed reason not to go to war -- there were a helluva lot better reasons to refuse to participate in that atrocity exhibition -- but hey, what do I know? On this day in 2004, Preznit Dubya testifies before the 9/11 Commission, but only after they agree to his three conditions. First, that the hearing be closed and unrecordedtake and place in the Oval Office; second, that they not require him to be sworn in (which, seeing as he was planning to lie, would leave him open to future charges of perjury); and third, that creepy veep Dick Cheney be allowed to hold his hand throughout the gruelling ordeal. Fucking pathetic. April 30 Driving that train, high on cocaine, conductor Casey Jones crashes the Cannonball Express on this day in 1900. Guess he wasn't watching his speed. Also on this day, in 1945, in the cozy confines of an underground bunker, Adolf Hitler first poisons his wife, Eva Braun, then blows his own brains out with a pistol. Also, today is Walpurgisnacht, or Germany's Witch's Sabbath. Just a friendly reminder to all you devil-worshipers planning to gather in wooded glades in order to offer blood-sacrifices to Wotan the Horned One... stay alive, don't drink and drive! On this day in 1966, a former carnival barker by the name of Anton LaVey shaves his head, buys an abandoned insane asylum in San Francisco and converts it into the Church of Satan. Some pretty kick-ass parties ensue. On this day in 1973, President Richard Nixon announces the resignation of top aides Haldeman, Ehrlichman and other co-conspirators, in what was the first in a series of pathetic attempts to offer up scapegoats in lieu of the big enchilada, himself, who would last another year in the White House, despite everything.

THEY SAID IT! "The Bush administration has done more damage to Americans and more harm to America's reputation than any other administration in history. Yet, a majority of Republicans still support Bush. This tells much about blind party loyalty." - Reagan-era Assistant Secretary of the Treasury Paul Craig Roberts explains how the rise of an omnipotent (but far from omniscient) Executive means nothing less than endgame for the Constitution. *** **** *** "In fact, getting out now may be our only chance to set things right in Iraq." - Retired Lt. Gen. William E. Odom explains the current catastrophe in terms simple enough for even a Republican to comprehend.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Rotti! Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, its Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal SNLman for sending in today's second joke. Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Chaudhry... When the well-molded secretary entered her boss' office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day." "I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forecast is for snow." "It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one." "I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THE SKINNY ON E85 care of: Lee Andy S assumed you'd been briefed on e85 and clearly you had not, so here's the skinny, Tubby. Your car the (hypothetical?) LeBoeufmobile, burns fuel that is up to 15% ethanol, and no less than 85% gasoline. For the most part, you're using straight gasoline... more power that way. Ethanol is a filler; it burns like gasoline, but with less power. The upside though, it's cheaper, and you can get it from corn farmers in the midwest. So right now they use it to make the shitter grades of fuel cost less. A regular engine though, can't handle too much ethanol in the mix. Upwards of 15%, Bad Things start to happen to your engine, so most people skip it and reach straight for the Ultra. Flex Fuel Vehicles, FFV, or simply 'flex' engines, have been quietly being released by several auto manufacturers, Ford and GM amongst them, for years now. It only costs Ford an extra hundred or two in parts. But a flex engine will cheerfully accept a fuel mix of up to 85% ethanol and 15% gasoline. Such a fuel mix -- called E85 by proponents -- is potentially much cheaper, to say nothing of being much healthier geopolitically. Potentially much cheaper. It is estimated by some that if every car, SUV and gas-burning light truck ran on E85, domestic oil production would suffice, provided thry do some poking in the ANWR. This may, however, be bullshit. For right now, due to it's scarcity, E85 is not significantly more cost effective than standard fuels. In the united states, that is. Apparently, E85 has been firmly ensconced in Europe for a while now. Big Oil, for the time being, has no real need to invest in the Ethanol Infrastructure, as they have been wholly able to pass on their oil costs to the consumer. What people don't seem to get about Big Oil's record profits is not that they are increasing production, it's that their profits function as a percentage of the price of oil. You getting creamed at the pump is actually *good* for Big Oil, so why would they do anything about it? Take your hundred dollar cashback from Bush, and STFU. - Lee [If somebody comes up with a car run on bullshit, we'll be set for life. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Esteemed Jerkman, Well Australian troops have been involved in Bushco's war in Iraq since the summoning by the Preznit but operations were fatality-free until last week. Then it was announced that one Private Jake Kovco, a skilled sniper no less had died "accidentally" while "cleaning his weapon"! The whole thing became unglued when a Houston-based (of course) outfit in charge of repatriating military bodies stuffed it up by sending the wrong body (some guy from Bosnia!) back to Oz by commercial aircraft. This caused widespread outrage not least by the widow who managed to get through to John Howard asleep in his bedroom! She was said to have "given him an earful". Then it became more murky with story changes and stammered efforts by the inept minister for Defence, one Brendan Nelson to explain the unexplainable. The soldier's family is incandescent with rage maintaining that Kovco was well experienced wuth firearms before enlisting and it was inconceiveable that he would have shot himself accidentally and there is talk that two other soldiers were in the same room at the time of the 'accident'. His body finally arrived amid formal memorial services. However the NSW State Police Homicide Squad and Coroner have got into the act leading to intense speculation. Another huge headache for Howard and his acolytes on top of the 'Wheat sales to Iraq scandal' about which they have claimed total ignorance. Watch this space! Oljoe from Oz [Keep us updated. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Just finished reading this. Weird shit man. YOP, Bob [I fail to discern anything "weird" about Ken Starr doing pro bono legal work on behalf of some right-wing turd-gobblers hell-bent on shredding the Constitution. It's pretty much in keeping with that miserable fishcunt's life trajectory so far. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey, Jerkster: Rush Limbaugh got off easy. He even went on a bunch of early-morning radio talk shows to brag about how he got off, free and clear, it's over. I guess wealth, influence and power has its privileges. Good work if you can get it. I envy that asshole, don't you? Meanass Bitch [You're absolutely right. My elation was premature. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, I have uncovered proof that Jesus had laser eyes, and also invented werewolves... Cheers, gMan [That shit is weak. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Who's the fourth quarter in the Mount Rushmore of Incompetence? CT [The fourth quarter is a rotating member. It can sometimes be Cheney, and it can sometimes be somebody else, depending on the rotation and/or trial/jail sentences and/or schedules. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, Life is still beautiful after 11 months of unemployment. Just wanted you to know that I have made it back thru all the archives of the 10 weeks I was without cable. I understand why you have had periods of writer's block. You did some phenomenal summary/analysis of all the PTB crap. It ain't easy to comprehend the greed and contempt for us the proletariat, held by those who think they are GD-chosen to rule. You do it admirably. Please keep it up. ThatTom (on the move again) [Thanks for your kind words, bro. And good luck! - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, Do you think you could find the time in your hectic schedule to watch my videos over on YouTube? And if you like them, maybe linking to them from the Dirt? Here they are: Dear Barry and Clown Abuse: The Making of Dead Clown. Craving your acceptance and appreciation, Marc [Good stuff! That just might be the creepiest clown I've ever laid eyes on. Let us know when Dead Clown is ready to screen. It looks like you guys had great fun making it. In fact, if anybody out there reading this has any short movies they'd like to plug, feel free to send them in. Maybe we'll even get a Daily Dirt Virtual Flm Festival going. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com