THE QUICKER FILLER UPPER! THE FRIDAY MONDAY EDITION! It's never a bad time to link to Steve Quayle's ever-expanding list of dead scientists. Also, here's an excellent summary of anomalies surrounding the Nick Berg kidnapping and beheading. You know... a little light reading for the weekend. A US Army doctor serving in Iraq has linked an outbreak of bacterial infections among US troops to allegedly contaminated water, supplied by -- wait for it -- Halliburton. You know what that means, don't you? It's time for another no-bid contract! Every single news report yer old pal Jerky has read, seen or heard about the Republicans' sagging ratings has attempted to connect it to the increase in the price of gasoline, as though that were the sole determining factor in the American people's growing dissatisfaction with Preznit Dubya's regime. I mean, what else could it be, right? Watching Stephen Colbert use "satire" to transform PNAC conspirator Bill Kristol into a quivering heap of smoldering jelly is like having seventeen orgasms at once. Trust me, you don't want to miss this one. "World Bank Group President, Paul Wolfowitz, has put the full weight of his leadership behind the Bank's renewed commitment to malaria, with a strong emphasis on results." So it turns out Enron's affable CEO Ken "Kenny Boy" Lay is an asshole. Gee... whooda thunkit?! The GOP's efforts to reduce voter turnout in 2004, by any means necessary, increasingly appears to go all the way to the top. For anybody familiar with Karl Rove's pedigree, this should come as no surprise. But have no fear! Once Karlheinz is tossed into the clinker, they already have a similarly slimy sack of shit waiting in the wings to replace him. Ditto for the Abu Ghraib torture broohaha. Looks like Rummy got his rocks off, too. The SKY DRONES, maaan... are they on their way to American skies, or are they already here? Watching the great Frank Zappa rap so casually with the great Johnny Carson fills yer old pal Jerky with an ineffable sadness. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 24 On this day in 1955, representatives from twenty-nine African, Asian and Middle Eastern nations -- "the despised, the insulted, the hurt, the dispossessed" -- gather for the final day of the Bandung Conference, held in Bandung, Indonesia. At the time, the nations represented -- Egypt, China, Indonesia, India, Iraq and others -- all had one thing in common: they had yet to take sides in the Cold War, and, for the most part, they wanted to keep it that way, believing the struggle between the United States and the Soviet Union had little to do with them. Instead, they hoped to focus on economic development, improving health care, and ensuring better crop yields for their farmers. They also called for an end to South African apartheid and the nuclear arms race, which was gathering steam at the time. American reaction was not encouraging, to say the least. They refused to send an observer, despite being invited to do so. Secretary of State John Foster Dulles reiterated the government's Dubya-esque policy of equating neutrality with aggression. "If you aren't with us against the commies, you're against us." The end result? Economic, political and even covert military retaliation caused increases in nationalism, anti-Americanism and/or radical Muslim fundamentalism in almost every nation represented at the conference. Many of these nations have yet to recover. So while it might be true that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, we should always remember that somebody has to point the way, first. *** **** *** On this day in 1969, after the rumors of his death become persistant and ubiquitous, Paul McCartney has to come out and say that he is, in fact, alive. Which is something he wouldn't have had to do if he hadn't helped foster the rumors to begin with! On this day in the year 1989, the state of Massachusetts officially declares it to be New Kids on the Block Day. Dozens perish in the ensuing frenzy. On this day in 1999, 70,000 weeping, sobbing, bible-clutching, balloon-toting mourners made the pilgrimage to an empty strip-mall parking lot in order to pay their respects to the victims of the Columbine High massacre. In attendance were the mayor of Denver, the state Governor, Colin Powell for some reason, and a full contingent of religious leaders. Vice-President Al Gore was also on hand for this embarrassingly maudlin and simple-minded public spectacle. Christian "singer" Amy Grant even belted out one of her edge-less soft-rock-for-Jesus hits as four F-16 fighter-jets flew over the proceedings in a missing-man formation. A bag-pipe band blasted out (you guessed it) Amazing Grace as student representatives release 13 snow-white doves. A student read a poem which contained the lines: "can you still hear raging guns ending dreams of precious ones? / In God's son, hope will come, his red stain will take our pain." It was fucking GRIEFSTOCK, maaan!

THEY SAID IT! "To keep the perspective right, let me repeat: it is the high ranking officials in the Bush administration who are primarily responsible for creating a situation in Iraq in which war crimes have been normalized." - Dahr Jamail reminds us that, at some point in history, some Very Important People could very well be subject to the penalty of death. *** **** *** "In our dreams, we have limitless resources and the people yield themselves with perfect docility to our molding hands. The present education conventions fade from their minds, and unhampered by tradition, we work our own good will upon a grateful and responsive rural folk. We shall not try to make these people or any of their children into philosophers or men of learning, or men of science. We have not to raise up from among them authors, editors, poets, or men of letters. We shall not search for embryo great artists, painters, musicians, nor lawyers, doctors, preachers, politicians, statesmen, of whom we have an ample supply. The task we set before ourselves is very simple as well as a very beautiful one, to train these people as we find them to a perfectly ideal life just where they are. So we will organize our children and teach them to do in a perfect way the things their fathers and mothers are doing in an imperfect way, in the homes, in the shops on the farm." - Steven Yates quotes Frederick Taylor Gates in his examination of the long-term goal of elite social engineers, that being forcing us all to take the Red Pill in the "real" Matrix. Thanks to our old pals at Rigorous Intuition for the head's up.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Naveed Z! Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees. Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy. The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something. "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too." Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those." Maria being very stupid accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work again the next morning and when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch. Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?" "Pedro, you gave Gonzalez the best one!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Streussel for sending in today's second joke. Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out... "Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!" Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,looks around and yells back, "Ma, There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma, Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by A. Falchi... The Revivalist was addressing the crowd: "Have faith! If you have faith everything is possible. If anybody has a problem, come to this stage and name it, we will all pray and your problem will be solved!" A guy gets up: "I am Joneth and have alwayth spoken with a lithp." "Come nearer, Mr. Jones, go behind that screen and pray!" A disabled woman starts walking toward the stage: "I am Miss Smith and I have always been walking on crutches." "Come here, Miss Smith , go behind that screen and pray! And now, brothers and sisters, let us pray all together for these two brothers behind the screen!" (after some praying....) "Miss Smith, throw your left crutch over the screen!" (the first crutch appears) "Miss Smith, throw now your right crutch over the screen!" (second crutch appears as well) "And now, Mr. Jones, say in a clear, loud voice... What happened?" "Mith Thmith jutht fell on her ath!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: HOW TO TELL WHEN "ATHEIST EXTREMISM" BECOMES A PROBLEM care of: TaxLoss Good morning. It's 9 o'clock, and here are the headlines this day. There was further controversy on the campaign trail today when it was revealed that presidential candidate Carl Nagas attended communion while a teenager. Nagas, who has been stressing his atheism heavily over the past weeks in an attempt to counter President Snikwad's reputation as the less devout of the two, has strongly denied that this was any more than an immature dalliance with belief. That didn't stop the chairman of the Traditional Value Coalition saying: "If he becomes President, what's he going to do? Will he swear on The Selfish Gene? Because he can say whatever he likes to the cameras, but that book's still the truth!" There was bloodshed in Beirut today when a humanist suicide bomber detonated himself in a crowded agnostic marketplace, killing four and injuring 22. In Kansas, a mother is suing the local school board because it refuses to remove "dangerous" religious texts from its library shelves. Citing writers such as Bunyan, Dante, Donne and St Augustine, she said: "Why should my children be exposed to this filth? All they talk about is their bearded guru and they think they can do whatever they like because they'll be saved by death! Is that really how we want kids to think?" President Snikwad today told a Symposium Breakfast of reporters and decision makers that victory in Iraq was "inevitable", and that "the best evidence we have to hand, plus a general hunch of mine" confirmed that fact. Snikwad went on to condemn both Pastafarian and Pinkun'icorn extremists. Alabama's chief justice was today reinstated after widespread outcry at his decision to carve Moses and Solomon off court buildings. And finally, today sees the publication of controversial pundit Ann Retlouc's book Reasonless Righties: Is the Right's Sky Ghost a Gas, or More of a Sort of Energy Thingy? The Questions They Won't Answer. We're back at noon. Have a reasonable day. FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ, For a "rush-job filler", today's Dirt was fantastic! In reference to Sherriff Debbie and "Crackman", am I the only person that expected him to say, "But I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!"? But tell me, why do I get so elated when the truth comes out knowing that no one's going to do a damned thing about it? I am, of course, referring to the thermite-induced crumbling of the WTC. When I noticed the slag dripping from the building, my first thoughts were of the two years I spent in the shipyards watching cutting torches and welding irons, then I thought of the tracers left by the chaingun... the common denominator being some really hot drippy shit. But the physical evidence aside, what's the next move? How can this issue be raised to bring charges against this administration if for nothing else selling off the evidence, i.e. the metal beams, before forensics could be performed? And who's got the balls to do it? YOPGessier [We'll find out soon enough. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Those "your daddy" jokes sucked. I mean, there are stupid jokes, and there are "you deserve a punch in the face for thinking those are funny", stupid jokes. Meanass Bitch is exhibit A as to why we arn't all making a living as comedy writers. May I suggest: "Yo daddy is so broke, he can't pay attention." Or "Yo daddy is so ugly he got a job modeling for before pictures." Or even "Yo daddy is such a horndog, you're not sure who your real momma is." CT [I like em. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerkster; Here's one more joke to add to your your "yo Daddy" file: Two boys were coming home from Sunday school and one boy wondered if Satan really existed. "No" replied the other "Satan is just like Santa Claus ... it's yo Daddy!" Vogt [That one, I don't like. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Your "Rush-Job Filler Stuff" updates are my absolute FAVE! I mean, I like all the political Bush-bashing too but sometimes it's nice to just see some non-political stuff too. Just thought I'd let you know. Not that it means anything. Haha. Byez! YOP~Erica [It means everything, actually. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Spychipped Levis have finally hit the US. Brummbaer [Will they make my ass look fat? - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I did a Google search on "thermite" and it appears that everyone with a keyboard has written a piece on thermite and WTC, unless of course they worked for the corporate-owned media. And I'm wondering what's it going to take for someone to run that clip on the air or anything else, for that matter, challenging the official bullshit story. It's amazing how the PTB use 9/11 as a rallying cry for war and yet they treat the circumstances surrounding 9/11 as dust to be swept out with the rubble. I cannot recall another single time in history where there so many major events, as is the case since election night 2000, that left so many questions unanswered and unasked and so many citizens content to know nothing resembling truth. G. Smith [True. - Jerky] *** **** *** Oh Jerky My Jerky, I was under the impression that you were staying away from the murkyness September 11th hoopla? Interesting idea about the thermite hough. I'd have to agree that it's plausable, in basic training during U.S. Weapons day the range cadre used a demo grenade on a HMMV (hummvee). I do believe that it was thermite and not white phosphorous. I wonder how one would go about keeping the thermite on the spot that needed to be cut, from the picture in the April 20 issue of the "Daily Dirt" there was some melted metal but it looked like a pretty symetrical angle in the photo and there wasn't a much larger slag trail down the girder. Maybe somebody with some explosive ordinance disposal experience would know more than this combat engineer, but with thermite turning the girder into slag and with gravity pulling the slag down the cut seems freakishly clean. What exactly would it take to keep something burning at over 2,500 degrees, focused on such a steep angle? The Brainiac video only had the thermite burning straight down, I can't tell from the video if the ceramic flower pot had a drain hole in the bottom or if the thermite burned through that as well. I'd be more comfortable seeing a jagged hole in the shape of an oval burned through the steel than a freakishly clean damn near symetrical cut on both sides of the support that looks to be roughly 35-45 degrees. In my horribly underqualified opinion of such matters, I vote for an "extreme plausable." Alex [Your two cents is worth more than most people's credit lines. I appreciate it. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com